96 FAS TCOMPAN Y. COM march/april 2019
illustration by ILYA MILS TEIN
All those myths
about people born on
Tuesday? Yeah, they’re
pretty much true.
So here’s how to
handle this growing
BY JAY WOODRUFF
1. Adopt cleAr Anti-DAYIST POLICIES
holidays tend to fall on mondays;
the fun stuff happens on Fridays.
Wednesday is hump day, and
thursday is practically Friday.
Find ways to enliven the most
neglected day of the week
with hackathons or competitive
2. PROVIDE CREATIVE
some say morries don’t care
about money. not true! they
are human, afer all. money talks.
but so does telecommuting,
not to mention gym discounts
and cafeteria coupons.
According to a fairly recent
study available on the prestigious
search engine Google, more babies are born on Tuesday than on
any other day. “Morries” make up
a huge percentage of America’s
workforce. While it’s important
to avoid stereotypes, Morries
are lazy and entitled job hoppers
who tend to have facial piercings,
explosive cackles, and a peculiar
affnity for microwave-reheated
brussels sprouts. Managed poorly,
they will erode morale and productivity at your workplace and
ultimately destroy the global
economy. A few simple guidelines
can help harness Morries and
stave off fnancial disaster.
6. ADOP T INTERNAL
morries prefer slack to email and
overcompensate for having
been born on the most boring
day by relying heavily on the dancing banana emoji.
3. OFFER A CLEAR PATH
TO THE SEE SUITE
sure, morries care about
promotions and titles. but what
they really like is a window. they
flourish in natural light.
4. ENCOURAGE MOBILITY
morries tend to be restless—hence
their reputation for frequently
changing jobs. laptops and
smartphones will give them the
illusion of mobility while keeping
5. FEED THEM
morries are notoriously
adventuresome. they’re crazy
about glamping, and they like to
experiment with new foods. make
sure your cafeteria salad bar
includes quinoa, avocado spread,
and, of course, lots of roasted
7. CREATE A S TRONG CULTURE
more than anything, morries
want to feel part of a meaningful, larger mission. Without it,
they’ll walk. consider pivoting your
company to a new line of business
that aligns more philosophically
with the morries on your staff.
and their dogs, too.